Two Girls, One car has entered Day 5 of our plan to cross the country and grow obese by being stuck immobile in the car. Assisting us in this desire: my disease has spread to Linda, who is a hacking mess. Muwhahah she will be facing the nose crusties from hell within two days! Finally, I can share my pain.
So here's what's been going down: Utah is naturally awesome and maybe when we're not hightailing it the fuck outta there, we will have more time to explore Bryce County and whatnot. Until then, the highlights include, and are limited to, a charming waiter who is probably like 17 named Ty who took our orders and hearts at a New Age organic restaurant in Salt Lake City. Yeah, you read that right. And he was wearing a shocking v-neck and everything. But seriously, he was super nice and warned us away from Ogden, despite the lure of a dinosaur park. Instead, we headed up through Park City which is...a ski resort town. It's like if Frontierland at Disneyland expanded.
Then we drove, and drove, and drove while my insides dripped out my nose, until we got to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, at the foot of the Grand Tetons. If you've never been there, you better go. It's amazing. This country, with the exception of its people, is fucking gorgeous. Wide space, no inhabitants, deer everywhere. Yet wherever there's people, there's this emphasis on shit-rigging some sort of hideous building or robbing the environment of some natural resource...power lines, robotic machinery that's probably connected to the center of the earth which is really an alien spaceship hub where they sit and suck our energy away via hideous man-made metal structures. Human beings are the poop of America's landscape. There's a huge red cliff dusted in snow, surrounded by forrest, with a moose drinking from a lake and oh, what's that piece of shit there? Why, it's a trailer home surrounded by rusting cars and old stoves. Awesome.
Our hotel was awesome, with all these great amenities we were too sick to take advantage of. We ate at some over-priced tourist trap called the Cadillac Cafe and then had the nicest hotel employee, who's possibly named Doug, drive us around a little by his own free will. The next day, we drove, and drove, and drove, with me squealing and turning the wheel every time I saw some adorable wildlife, or some amazing sign warning us about adorable and deadly wildlife. Seriously, the Grand Tetons may want to reconsider their series of long, drawn out and clever signs that you have to carefully read as you drive, which completely distract you. We saw buffalo roaming, female moose, a thing that might have been a groundhog, a beaver, a very hairy fat kid, I don't know. And there was snow everywhere. Oh yeah, and rain, which made the long walks on slick wooden boardwalks along the hot springs and mud pots so, so much fun. We watched Old Faithful go off, or Linda did while I obsessed over the cutest small child person ever, who was some kind of mad genius as he was about four and kept talking about all this stuff he knew which was way more than I knew and how he read National Geographic and then got bored waiting for the geyser to go off, and when it did and I pointed it out to him, he shrugged and was like naw wtf, I'm over this, I want a Volcano cake. And then my biological clock was like babies and I was like you know what's easier? Just abducting this kid, because he's already smart, cute, toilet trained, and can probably tie his own shoes. And mine! Cos he's closer to my feet. Then Linda was like man stop talking about abducting kids, it's creepy. Cos it had come up before when I saw some little child far, far away from his or her ranch house, looking at wild flowers, and I was like man abducting kids is so easy. Anyway, this kid was at least a trillion times smarter than his brother, who asked, "Is it really early in the morning?" (It was 8:30 at night).
Oh, and we found the greatest Albertsons of all time. And everyone is so, so nice. I guess all the assholes are in the middle or something, because everyone we've come across has been just awesome.
And they think we're adorable weirdos. They keep saying things like 'Oh, Los Angeles, that explains the hair' or 'I thought it would be something like New York City.' I bet they're like, THOSE GIRLS KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SALSA.
More to come later, but I'm tired.
